


The Story of the Fall of the United States

by alotofnerve



Series: Tommy the Dank Nuke: a Horrifying and Regretful Collection [4]
Category: Political RPF - US 21st c., Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends
Genre: Crack, M/M, Other, a prequel to my series, don't take this seriously, how the united states was obliterated, idk how to tag this, not edited, nukexhuman, poor mike pence, prequel!, sfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 20:38:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12638730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alotofnerve/pseuds/alotofnerve
Summary: “Sir,” assistant number 44 begins again, “there is a nuclear-tipped warhead heading towards Washington in approximately 4 hours.”Silence.Silence.Silence.-----what does dear ol' donny do when a nuclear warhead-tipped nuke is heading right for D.C.? fight it, of course.





	The Story of the Fall of the United States

**Author's Note:**

> this struck me early this morning and i just had to write it.
> 
> ....i'm sorry. 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> not.

0600 - Monday

 

“Mr. Trump, sir,” begins an assistant, poking his head into the Oval Office one bright, Monday morning. Unbeknownst to Trump, who is sitting at his desk, hunched over a paper while drinking his third cup of coffee, his world is about to be rocked. 

“That’s President Trump,” President Trump mumbles sleepily and takes another long draught of his coffee. He doesn’t look up from his paper, not wanting to sully his vision with the unimportant assistant. 

“Of course, sorry President Trump, sir,” the assistant corrects himself quickly.  _ Being president sure is difficult _ , the assistant (whose name is not important) thinks to himself,  _ having to correct those around you so often about your title.  _ The assistant says nothing more and stands in his spot exactly 5 feet from the doors of the office; Trump doesn’t like unimportant people (like himself) to get any closer to him. Even his wife has to stand an obligatory 3 feet away from his desk and only his daughter, Ivanka, can get any closer. But that’s not important to this story, just like the assistant isn’t to President Trump.

Minutes pass in silence, until Trump barks out suddenly, “Get on with what news you have, assistant number 44.” 

Jumping slightly at being addressed so directly by His Holiness, assistant number 44 hurries out, “I don’t want to disturb you so early in the morning, President Trump, but there is something you must see immediately.” 

“You may approach,” President Trump rumbles, far more awake now. As to not make His Holiness wait any longer, assistant number 44 crosses the room as fast as he can without running. President Trump doesn’t like people who run and he wants to be liked by President Trump. If he’s lucky, he might get the same situation with President Trump that Monica Lewinsky did with Bill Clinton.

“Sir,” assistant number 44 begins again, “there is a nuclear-tipped warhead heading towards Washington in approximately 4 hours.”

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

“W-What!?” President Trump finally chokes out a few seconds later, breaking his dominant and controlled character for the first time in the exchange. “How long have you had this intelligence, assistant number 44?” President Trump’s eyes bear into assistant number 44’s soul, scanning him deep down, making him feel naked, before he breaks eye contact.

Assistant number 44 does not lie, ‘fore he wishes to please President Trump. “Exactly 10 minutes and 44 seconds, President Trump, sir.”

“And why was I not immediately notified?” A dangerous question. Assistant number 44 has to tread carefully.

“My Holiness—” a slip up, assistant number 44 (whose name is not capitalized because he is Unimportant) only refers to him as so in his head, but he chalks it up to the stress and passion of the moment— “President Trump, sir, you were notified as soon as possible. We require your humble leadership in this moment. How do we proceed?” 

President Trump says nothing for a long moment, but assistant number 44 does not fret; he must be coming up with a brilliant plan to save them all from nuclear destruction. 

Finally, President Trump speaks authoritatively, “I will fight it,” and assistant number 44 chokes on his own spit. What a brilliant plan!

“Are you sure, sir, we don’t want you to get hurt,” assistant number 44 says hesitantly.

“Yes, I am. Get Mike Pence; we will fight together. Tell him to meet me on the front steps of the White House at 7:30. Capiche?” 

“Capiche,” assistant number 44 hurriedly agrees and speed-walks out of the room to the sound of President Trump merrily humming. He is said, assistant number 44 decides, because he knows that he will never have the same relationship with President Trump that his (not-so secret lover) Mike Pence does. Nevertheless, he will inform Mike Pence because this is what His Holiness wants. 

  
  


0730 - Monday

 

President Trump and Mike Pence are holding hands (secretly, under a thick blanket to fight the morning chill) on the front steps of the White House waiting for nuclear doom. 

The paparazzi is watching them from the front gates, but thankfully they are kept back so President Trump doesn’t have to explain himself. The public wouldn’t understand, he decided, and therefore he would not let them know about the impending doom. Unless, of course, President Trump uses his might to save the entire world. Then they’ll love him! (Not they already don’t, they’re just fickle at showing it. He’ll show them....) 

And so they wait. 

“Do you think we’re going to die?” Mike Pence whispers, sounding scared. President Trump rubs comforting circles in his hand and shakes his head.

“Of course not, my dear. I will stop him with my bare hands.” President Trump sounds so confident that Mike Pence is inclined to agree with him.

Unbeknownst to the pair, assistant number 44 watches from a secluded corner in jealousy. He wishes that President Trump was comforting him!

“Will you die in your valiant attempt?” Mike Pence asks.

President Trump laughs heartily. “I sure hope not! I want to be revelled in my glorious act of selflessness, but I want to be here to enjoy it! I won’t die on you.”

“If you die, I die,” Mike Pence swears fiercely. “I can’t imagine a world with you in it,” he lowers his voice, “ _ Donny. _ ” President Trump shudders and assistant number 44, who cannot hear the exchange, wonders why. 

“We’ll be able to get together properly in Heaven,” President Trump promises. “But, for now, let us wait until my battle and enjoy the morning. I sure hope the unaware populous is living like this is their last day.”

“Okay,” Mike Pence agrees, but then hesitates. “Should we be firing a return attack?” 

“Nonsense. I will stop it and that will be that. Mutually assured destruction and all that crap.” 

“That was with the Soviets, though,” Mike Pence supplies. 

“Perish the thought; I am always right,” President Trump barks. He didn’t need dissenters, especially not with the lovely Mike Pence.

“Of course.” 

And they wait. 

 

1000 - Monday

 

And they wait for 3 and a half more hours in the bright, cold Monday morning. It was a pleasant sit; for once, President Trump isn’t stressed. He is sure that he can stop the nuclear threat with his bare hands. He will do it. 

Finally, as the clock strikes 10 AM, he sees it. 

And he stops. 

And he stares.

The missile… he’s beautiful! And flying right towards the pair of them, Mike Pence and himself. But… he can’t fight such a pretty face!

“Mike Pence,” President Trump says hurriedly, “I can’t fight that glorious specimen of a nuke! Look at his face… look at his smoldering eyes—”

“—that’s the nuclear bomb strapped to his face—” Mike Pence interjects.

“—...those rims! I can’t do it. I am in love with him,” President Trump declares whole-heartedly. “I will allow him to take my life!”

“But what about me?” Mike Pence asks desperately.

President Trump laughs. “You won’t survive and nuclear warhead straight to the face, my dear.” And with that, President Trump stands up, pushes the blanket off his body (completely ignoring his and Mike Pence’s tightly clasped hands), and he leans over and kisses Mike Pence full on the mouth before untangling his hands and walking out onto the lawn.

“I love this nuke!” President Trump declares to anyone who will listen. “And will allow him to destroy us all!”

But, surprise, assistant number 44 can’t just let His Holiness take the brunt of a nuclear warhead all by himself. With surprising speed, despite still not running (to please President Trump), he hurries out onto the lawn as well.

“I will not let President Trump, my Holiness, stand alone!” he calls. And with that, he roughly turns President Trump’s head so their lips meet just as the Tommy the Dank Nuke impacts the lawn, obliterating them all in a passionate embrace of heat and plutonium. 

And that is the story of how Tommy the Dank Nuke obliterated the United States’ government in one-fell swoop.

Everything in several miles, gone. Luckily, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was visiting a disabled veteran in California and escaped the blast.

Let us hope that he won’t also take a nuke for love.

  
  



End file.
